By definition, manhood marks the transition from boyhood to adulthood for males. If that holds true, then the period after a career can be seen as a return to childhood.
Think about it: during childhood, the emphasis is on learning, personal growth, development, having few serious responsibilities, and play. However, as adulthood is attained, the focus dramatically shifts to achievement, work, family and caring for others.
In Chapter X, we have the chance to resume play, keep learning and growing, cast off the responsibilities we have to others, and break free from the hamster wheel of striving for success, status and wealth. But many have difficulty in making that transition from one to the other.
After all, we CAN’T WAIT to be grownups as children…. only to find out that it’s not as exciting or carefree as we’d imagined. Yet when we separate from our careers, we might struggle with finding our footing under new, unstructured circumstances.
Maybe it has something to do with how we define our manhood or manliness, or maybe it’s just our inner resistance to change. Whatever the cause, it might be time to have a serious talk—with yourself, with a trusted friend, spouse, therapist or coach.
The decision to fully live out your dreams, desires and passions can’t be put on the back burner forever. The price is remorse and regret.
Life isn’t going to wait for you to change your thinking, and we all come with an expiration date.
Pushing Through Resistance
Transitions can be anything from mildly annoying to impossibly huge barriers. I think it depends on the transition and your wiring. While some embrace change with the eagerness of a starving man at a buffet, others find every reason not to engage in the struggle.
Here are a few ideas to consider as you confront change:
- Define the change.
- Is it your choice or not?
- What obstacles can you identify?
- What transitions have you experienced in the past, and how did they resolve? This one is really important!! (Think transitions in marital status, family, work, health, etc.) If you’ve done it before, you can do it again.
- Consider the benefits of successfully navigating this change. Make note of any negative aspects as well. In other words, the pluses and minuses. Can you imagine the opportunities for fun, growth and exploration in this next chapter?
- Tune into your body. How does it feel in your body when you consider this challenge? Where do you feel it? Is it a tightness in your throat or a warm feeling in your stomach?
Pushing through resistance requires the ability to keep slugging through the anxiety. It’s recognizing that the negative feelings you’re dealing with are temporary and not the foretelling of endless misery. And if you see nothing positive, it’s probably time to seek some counseling help to work through it.
Change is all about momentum. That’s why planning, consideration and conversation with other stakeholders are so vitally important. Resistance is normal, but retreating to default is an act of cowardice. Your limiting beliefs about who you are–and what your purpose in life is all about–is a giant barrier to living a rich and meaningful life.
What You Believe Matters
Have you heard of Norman Vincent Peale’s book The Power of Positive Thinking?
The title alone suggests that when we expect positive outcomes, our attitudes, actions, and beliefs align accordingly. The opposite is also true—if we anticipate failure, misery, or troubles, we’re more likely to experience outcomes that match that type of thinking.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t account for potential problems, as that can be prudent, but it’s important to examine your overall mindset. A positive mental outlook is more likely to propel you toward favorable outcomes. If you hold beliefs that reflect a negative state of mind, the likely result will not be a happy one.
Too many of us suffer from limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in the muck and mire. A limiting belief is one that we carry and believe that tells us all the things we cannot do, that we are insufficient or lacking.
Trust me, those beliefs are crap. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about things like a belief that you can play center field for the Yankees. I’m talking common things I’ve heard from men, like:
I have no purpose beyond work.
I am unable to learn new things.
I can’t make new friends.
Only my job gives me meaning.
Limiting beliefs keep you stuck; an expansive positive mindset unleashes unknown possibilities. Which road do you wish to travel?
Pump the Brakes
Time in Chapter X is a precious thing. After all, we have no idea when we will run out of runway or when our situation changes, which alters our ability to do the things that light us up. It’s equally important to have activities in life that bring joy, satisfaction, and meaning—and to know when to ease up a bit and relax.
Think about your years in your career when you were driving towards successful outcomes and how essential it was to take a step back and assess your progress. You needed to know if you needed to make adjustments or changes in tactics or strategies so you could keep moving forward in your macro-goal of “success.”
The same holds true now. Regardless of your level of involvement in organizations, part-time work, artistic endeavors or other activities that keep you engaged, you still need to check in and ask yourself some important questions. For example:
- “Is what I am doing making me happy/joyful?”
- “Do my involvements produce feelings of satisfaction or meaning?”
- “Am I feeling stressed or overbooked?”
Life in Chapter X doesn’t require you to replace a 9-5 existence where every part of your day is programmed and busy. Using the time to be introspective and contemplative is truly an act of self-love; whereas programming yourself at a breakneck pace (because that’s what you were used to doing) is the opposite—an act of self-loathing or at least derision.
Keep checking in with yourself and asking important questions. Take a walk in nature, savor a good cup of coffee (or other beverage or treat you enjoy) without forcing yourself to “stay busy.”
Love yourself enough to value your time, energy, and journey without the frenzied pre-programmed state that carried you through your work life. Chapter X is not the same as your previous iteration; it’s a chance to be smarter, kinder, wiser, and more generative.
If you find yourself feeling like your pace is too intense or over-booked, pump the brakes and consider what’s best for you right now.
Flipping the Switch
For many, the transition into Chapter X is filled with fear and trepidation. In some cases, that fear alone is enough to keep you from moving forward.
You know, that internal voice that says, “Well, I’d like to retire, but I’m comfortable with what I do now and I just don’t know what I’d do with all that time on my hands.” Or that other voice that says, “If I stop working, I’ll have no reason to get out of bed. I’ll be bored.” Or maybe it’s another voice screams, “You are no longer a man if you are not providing!”
Yes, other voices invade your head and fill you with all the reasons why you should not change.
Instead of listening to those lying, nasty, evil and dastardly voices, pony up to the bar and decide that there’s something (or many things) magical and wonderful beyond putting in your 9-5’s until you either die or are physically or cognitively unable to carry on.
To make the shift, you must flip a switch and change the narrative to a more positive, interesting, exciting, wonderful, meaningful, and fulfilling message.
Yes, there is certainty in your daily work routine. But there’s another certainty and that is the end of vitality, the end of cognition, and the end of life. You can use this idea as a motivator… “I don’t want to be carried feet first from my office!”
“I don’t want to be on my deathbed steeped in regret for all I haven’t done!”
Or you can create an exciting narrative, such as, “I value my life, my family, my friends, my community and wish to devote my energies to activities that bring joy to myself and others.”
Trust me, doing the same old, same old is easy. Change, at best, is challenging. What’s the cost of resisting change vs the benefits of courageously working through the short-term transition into a transformed you?
Man Up
Ordinarily, I would avoid this expression like the plague. ‘Man-up’ implies the idea that rather than working through feelings, pain, remorse, or other emotions, one should simply layer on a coat of impervious armor and carry on. I can’t think of anything more destructive to the idea of dealing with, learning, growing, and transforming oneself.
In this case, I want to use the term ‘man-up’ in the sense that if you are stuck, in pain, confused, sad, angry, or in other states of being that keep you in a negative space, I say MAN-UP and get help. Keeping those feelings inside is a surefire plan to stay amid misery, and tell me… how is THAT manly?
If you’re in pain, reach out to a true friend, a therapist, a coach, a member of the clergy, or anyone who might give you a sincere ear and open their heart to your situation. Asking for help is a measure of strength-not weakness. Aging well and dealing with the inevitable challenges require all the strength you can muster.
